Surviving Christmas

Review by: Ray Dademo

RayDademo@TheCinemaSource.com

The true watermark of a bad movie appears unmistakably when you've attended a free preview screening, and still feel cheated. This is exactly the noxious sort of sentiment that pervades any theatre showing the excruciating new Ben Affleck "comedy," and I use the term lightly, Surviving Christmas. Not only is this affair completely unfunny, it's painfully so. After a mere twenty minutes, it wasn't enough to just doze off. I wanted to stand up and throw rocks at the screen.

The plot is one of those clichéd devices that falls extra flat because, until now, it had been thought fail-safe. It's so simple that any recap probably doesn't deserve more than one sentence. An obnoxious guest invades a family's home at Christmas time and comedy hijinks ensue. How festive. What might have been, at the very least, amusing is executed so poorly that I couldn't help but feel offended by how clumsy and downright embarrassing it became. Sure, there are a few scattered laughs — but not enough to fill a Saturday Night Live sketch, let alone an entire movie.

So, where exactly does the fault lie? First, let's aim one of those rocks directly at the four (count them, FOUR) writers — who I'm fairly certain used a box of Crayola crayons to create this masterpiece. It, apparently, isn't enough to cram two hours with tired formula. These Hemingways aspire to make those conventions worse. We've all seen the selfish-yet-lonely millionaire who lives in the needlessly spacious loft with hardly any furniture. (Get it? He's lonely. The apartment is empty. It's symbolism.) Moreover, we're sick and tired of the scene where he hands his long-time girlfriend a jewelry box, says something inane about "the future," and"¦guess what? No ring. Well, that scene just doesn't have the same effect when the woman is handed an envelope (as she is in Christmas). Do these writers actually expect us to believe she's getting an engagement ring courtesy of Hallmark?

I'm sure Surviving Christmas is intended to provide a lighthearted evening, free of much thought. Inadvertently, however, they've created a movie that requires more contemplation and thought than a sophomore-year philosophy class. While some of the audience is left wondering "What the hell were they thinking?" others are hopelessly attempting to make sense of the discourse. In the world of Surviving Christmas, people act completely without reason or motivation. Christina Applegate (who does nothing but profess hatred for Ben Affleck) continuously and voluntarily spends needless amounts of time with him. James Gandolfini spots Affleck in his front yard and decides to hit him with a shovel. (He claims to be worried about him lighting a small scrap of paper on fire. It makes no sense.)

As far as cast goes, all I can say is "” how disappointing. Let's hope Christopher Guest and

David Chase never stop writing for Catherine O'Hara and James Gandolfini, respectively. It's interesting to consider how and why a "comedy" like this one, would squander talent like this. I'm surprised either one ever had to leave their trailer, in order to sleepwalk through their roles, as they do here. Christina Applegate gets my deepest sympathy for being wasted, continuously, on film and television.

This, however unfortunately, is not where the cast ends. Audiences can expect to be offended, repelled and virtually lobotomized by Ben Affleck's star performance. Never has comedy seemed so jarring and messy. I cannot fathom why he is so frequently and lucratively cast "” is anything on his resume actually any good? (Good Will Hunting. Thank you. We're aware.) Now that we, as a nation, have been blessed with Ben Affleck and his unique flair for drama for almost ten years, I think it's time to call it a day. Perhaps Surviving Christmas will do just the trick. This, the glittering turd in Affleck's crap-crown might just ground his career to a screeching halt. It's just that terrible; a movie putrid enough to make Gigli look like Citizen Kane."

Movie Grade: D

Synopsis:

Facing another Christmas alone, Drew Latham (Ben Affleck) decides to go back to his idyllic childhood home to spend the holidays with family. There is, however, one problem: the people living there now are not Drew's family. Nevertheless, Drew has his mind set on an old-fashioned family Christmas, and the fact that the “family” in question, the Valcos, are complete strangers, isn't about to put a crimp in his plans. Offering them a small fortune, Drew bribes his newfound “parents” (James Gandolfini and Catherine O'Hara) to let him spend Christmas in their home, pretending to be part of the family. Just when the Valcos begin to question if any amount of money is worth being dragged all over town on such traditional family holiday excursions as Christmas shopping and the requisite choosing of the Christmas tree, their eldest daughter Alicia (Christina Applegate) comes home for the holidays, with no intention of adopting a new “brother.”

“Surviving Christmas” is directed by Mike Mitchell from a screenplay by Deborah Kaplan & Harry Elfont and Jeffrey Ventimilia & Joshua Sternin, from a story by Deborah Kaplan & Harry Elfont. The film is produced by Jenno Topping and Betty Thomas, with Patricia Whitcher serving as executive producer.